The Fire of My Soul

 I thought that I had it all figured out. I honestly believed that by feeling the love for someone and feeling the love reciprocated was enough to fill my soul; a yearning that I never knew existed within me until recently. I thought that it was okay to not physically be with her, and that the knowing and feeling of the love was enough. 

I was wrong.

It’s easy for me to place the blame on her as I have been for so many times in the past. But the truth is this time, she was nothing but kind to me. She was present, I felt her care and her warmth felt like home to me.

She wouldn’t recoil anymore whenever our fingers touched or if I gently placed my palm on the small of her back as we walked down the hallway. Despite all this, a growing sadness crept up from beneath. The more she showed her love towards me, the sadder I became. It’s a sadness that I couldn’t shake off, as the only way for me to move away from feeling the pain was to be with her; to spend every waking minute around her person. And that’s something that I can’t do and I’ve accepted it. And it hurts. Every fibre of my being is tearing itself apart as my head is going against my heart.

A couple of nights ago, she had a spell which made her throw up violently. In that moment, my instincts took over and I went with her out in the rain. As she sat in the middle of the hotel walkway in the pouring rain, i crouched right next her, soothing her back as she fought the gag reflex that was overcoming her. Then, I felt the familiar sadness come over me. As I sat there gently massaging her back, I began to imagine a life with her where I would always be by her side, no matter the challenge or adversity and I was sad because I know that that life was not for me. I was forlorn and despite being splashed with chunks of lamb from her dinner I was not repulsed by it. I had never been like this before and I firmly believe that I have changed for the better and a large part of it is attributed to me being around her. 

As I sit here writing this, I know this is the end. I know I have to do what’s right for us both. I am torn asunder; to have met someone that is so right for me in so many ways, but is someone that will never be with me. She said this to me once before and it’s something that I’ll hold close to me for as long as I’m in this life.

“Find me earlier in the next life.”




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Monday Blues. :(

Image
My arse. We had a kick ass monday. ;) Thanks guys, but umm, i do need to work, so let's not do this EVERY day... :P Yeah that's me. Duh. Sin Han sucking a straw. Hee. DJ Jackslope of Tewwow. Queue the stabbing Music. Eek eek eek eek. Queue self stabbing Music. Kee kee kee kee. Hanisah loves knives. ;) Romantic Moonlight scene. I told you this would turn out great! Group shot! Group Shot!! This wasn't rehearsed. Honest. My room. Which some people call deceptively small. It's not. IT IS SMALL. The two girls posing in front of some ambient tree lighting. Hee. Shutter, Aperture, Shutter, Aperture...mana lah tripod nih... Everybody seems to be doing this now. :)
Read more

You know you live in 2006 when...

1.) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave. 2.) you haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years. 3.) the reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don’t have msn/xanga/myspace. 4.) you’d rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv. 6.) your evening activity is the computer. 7.) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling. 8.) as you read this list, you think about how stupid you are to read this. 9.) and… you were too busy to notice number 5. 10.) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5. 11.) & now you’re laughing at your stupidity.
Read more

The Truth About Boys.

"It's a sick joke," said a friend as he sipped his Coke. "Why do good guys always end up getting hurt?" I tried rationalizing it, failed, then subsequently tried to generalize it. I tried to make sense of something that; try as I might, bloody well doesn't. Good guys always, always , finish last. It's the rule of the game. And we always end up on the losing side. Girls (in general) play the game well. Imagine this: You're at a bar, a girl chats you up and asks you to accompany her home. I can say with absolute confidence that she will get you to follow like a dog on a very, very short leash. Now imagine if the situation were reversed . You'd still be the dog, but dear me, where's that bloody leash gone to? Exactly. It's not a dickey dick world we live in gents. Wake up and smell the bloody tampons (no pun intended). The truth is, boys are an easy bunch to decipher. We're like apes. We only ever want one thing. Give to us what we want...
Read more