An old crush, a lock of hair and a lot of answers.

For the past couple of days, I have become soul mates with my bed. I have flipped from one end to the other so often, I've started to look like a seal on heat. I've watched endless reruns of old shows, ate wildly different food, had dreams and shared passionate tales of wonder with it. You might think it's counter productive to stay in bed on a working day and for many reasons, you'd be right. But not this time. You see, I've been sick for the past two days. In fact i'm coughing so violently as I type this piece, that I'm feeling a tad jealous for that man having his tonsil operation. You see, at least he knows when he'll be up and about. I on the other hand, have a medication list the length of the NKVE. On some of the prescriptions they have such dire warnings which wouldn't be out of place on a rusted gate...in Chernobyl. But the purpose for this post isn't to cite the moans and groans of being bed ridden. For that you could go and read Malaysians for Peace. I wonder if they'd all been bed ridden at one point or another. The things they write..they go on and on as though anybody gives a rats ass what we non-nuclear powered nation thinks. Oh well, it's a free world right. I'm here to tell you about crushes, a lock of hair..and some answers. You see, everyone's had crushes at one point or another. Some have had them since the day they were in pre school. Others in primary..secondary..well you catch my drift. Chances are, crushes usually remain unfulfilled. Either the crush never knew you had those feelings, or they just didn't feel the same way. As time passes you usually move on and if you're fortunate enough, you might end up being friends with them somewhere down the road. This year has been the year of ironies. And if it heads the way it is now, it'll definitely end with a bang..to say the least. I have literally gone about my crushes in reverse order, from the latest one..to the one i had when i was in primary school. And I must say, it has been an outstanding journey. Meeting them all again, finally being able to say something without looking all silly, and actually being able to laugh about it all..was a life-altering experience. In so many ways it's as though i'm receiving a series of closures for all those unanswered questions. But at least I asked the right ones. It's funny how i bumped into my first crush at another friend's wedding reception. If this had happened when i was younger, I'd probably be ham fisting everything with unintelligible burbles. Fortunately this was no longer the case and i actually had a decent conversation with her. I've never had a decent conversation with her. And i've known her since I was nine. I was half expecting her to be as stupifyingly resplendent and vivacious as i had remembered. I suppose in some ways she still was, it's just that..I suppose i've grown out of that young, boyhood crush and found that while beauty may have its charms, beauty alone isn't enough to carry one's crush from being an infatuation to a full blown love affair. And I realised that for all those times i held on to it, it was because of how she looked like, and not for who she was. It took one fateful night many, many years later to finally have a chance to strike a decent conversation with her. For once I saw her for who she really was and not for her physical attributes. A very friendly, calm and effeminate young lady who, in spite of going through life's many challenges at such a very tender age, still carried herself with verisimilitude and vigour. All through dinner, her best friend and I talked and laughed, oh how we laughed..I tried being a gentleman, though very unsuccessfully, and i realised that sometimes not all crushes end up remaining unfulfilled. It only becomes that way, if you decided to not be her friend; or if your fear of rejection had pushed you so far down the grapevine that you've forgotten the real reason why you fell for that girl in the first place. So here I was, many years later, a proper pucker of an idiot for never trying to be her friend. At least I finally had a chance to talk to her as a proper human being, and not as some beady-eyed pre pubescent dingbat who couldn't finish a proper sentence. When you fall for someone because they attract you physically, that's infatuation; pure and simple. But if you've fallen for someone, with little or no idea how you came there in the first place..then that my dear friends, is attraction. It's the first step towards falling for someone. Just hang on to that thought and keep asking yourself the questions of how, when...and why. If you can't answer it, then you're on the right track. Simply because, there shouldn't just be one reason. There should be so many reasons that you'll never be able to justify your emotions towards her. You'll usually come up with some stupid reason anyway. I know I did when my friend asked me, "Hey Eddie, why do you like her so much anyways? What's the best part that you like about her?" I looked at her, cracked a smile and said, "Her hair."