Paradise Lost..and Found.
I contemplated on whether or not i should write down the events which transpired over the last few days. I was certain that in no small way was i ever going to put pen to paper (or in this case, keyboard to whitescreen) on how i felt... and the stark realisation of how wrong i was for so many years.
As i begin to write this, I know that in many ways, i'm doing this for myself. I'm writing it down so that many years from now, I'll still be able to remember the words that were spoken to me.
You see, for a very long time, I always believed that there was no greater joy in life than to have someone to love and care for. I always figured that whenever i'm dating someone, the happiness radiates from her. And if that person walks out on me for whatever reason, that very happiness...instantaneously dissapears.
And for some wildly unfathomable reason, i'll find a way to blame my sadness on the person who walked out on me. Yes, it is human to feel pain but why do i have to justify it by blaming the other party? Break ups (and subsequent Make-ups) happen for a reason. And it usually involves BOTH parties. There is no absolute winner no matter how you look at it.
My first relationship ended badly, and I (being young, crass and immature) blamed it all on her. It has taken me years to realise that i was just as much to blame for the break up. I was a first class prick, insensitive, sarcastic and worst of all; i didn't even know how to trust her. I didn't know then how important the element of trust was in a relationship. I'm not ashamed to admit this, because in some ways, i still (to this day) don't know how to trust the person i love. And for that reason, and that reason alone, i am back here..the same spot i've always been. Empty. Desolate.
I never had anyone tell me how truly important trust is.
Until yesterday.
For eight bloody years i learned how to love, but i never, ever learned how to trust. It took a girl many years younger, to slap me out of my dilemma. She said that i've gotten the right frame, but the painting just isn't quite right.
That's my ex for you. :)
She made me realise that I loved her not because she made me happy, but because she shared my happiness. She told me that she loved me not because of my strengths, but because i had weaknesses and that made me human. I can't force you to cry any more than i can force you to smile, she said.
"You're happy, because you choose to be. I'm not the reason you're happy."
So yeah, there you have it. I decide my emotional reactions. She may be a huge influence, but at the end of the day, I decide how i'd want to feel. And she's right.
She made me realise the meaning of unconditional love. She made me realise how i never made an effort to enjoy the things my girlfriends (past and present) loved doing. Horses, scuba diving, writing, music...etc.
But she also told me I should always give people a chance to change. And that i should trust them enough to know that they will, in time, be better people.
I have a lot of things to be apologetic for. I've hurt a lot of people along the way...especially the ones that once meant the world to me. My ignorance and egotistical persona has hurt not only myself in the process, but the very people i had sought to protect and care for in the first place.
At the end of that very long and emotional conversation, she told me that she'd always love me and that she'd be there for me whenever i needed her. She said that she never thought she'd ever have this moment with me again, and that she was happy..but "I'm afraid to lose you again." she sighed. "You have no idea how much it hurts"
"We still have issues that need to be sorted. I need to grow up in my own time and way, and you...you need to learn how to trust." she said.
With that, she gave me a weak smile, opened the door and slipped one foot out of the car.
As she was about to leave, she turned around, gave me a kiss and told me to call her when i've found the answers to all my questions.
And that was it.
Neither of us asked the other back. And in some ways, that's what made the whole moment so memorable. We just revelled in the fact that we both loved each other, and that what we had, no matter how fleeting, was special.
We don't even know if we'll ever end up being together again, but for some reason...it didn't matter anymore. When I left her a couple of weeks ago, i thought it was the worst decision i could've made.
But now i realise..that it wasn't.
Losing her made me realise that you didn't have to hate someone...to forget someone. Sometimes, you don't even have to forget.
I thought i had lost my paradise. But she made realise that it's all just relative. The paradise I had yearned for all this while.. was right here...inside of me.
It's up to me now...to find it.
As i begin to write this, I know that in many ways, i'm doing this for myself. I'm writing it down so that many years from now, I'll still be able to remember the words that were spoken to me.
You see, for a very long time, I always believed that there was no greater joy in life than to have someone to love and care for. I always figured that whenever i'm dating someone, the happiness radiates from her. And if that person walks out on me for whatever reason, that very happiness...instantaneously dissapears.
And for some wildly unfathomable reason, i'll find a way to blame my sadness on the person who walked out on me. Yes, it is human to feel pain but why do i have to justify it by blaming the other party? Break ups (and subsequent Make-ups) happen for a reason. And it usually involves BOTH parties. There is no absolute winner no matter how you look at it.
My first relationship ended badly, and I (being young, crass and immature) blamed it all on her. It has taken me years to realise that i was just as much to blame for the break up. I was a first class prick, insensitive, sarcastic and worst of all; i didn't even know how to trust her. I didn't know then how important the element of trust was in a relationship. I'm not ashamed to admit this, because in some ways, i still (to this day) don't know how to trust the person i love. And for that reason, and that reason alone, i am back here..the same spot i've always been. Empty. Desolate.
I never had anyone tell me how truly important trust is.
Until yesterday.
For eight bloody years i learned how to love, but i never, ever learned how to trust. It took a girl many years younger, to slap me out of my dilemma. She said that i've gotten the right frame, but the painting just isn't quite right.
That's my ex for you. :)
She made me realise that I loved her not because she made me happy, but because she shared my happiness. She told me that she loved me not because of my strengths, but because i had weaknesses and that made me human. I can't force you to cry any more than i can force you to smile, she said.
"You're happy, because you choose to be. I'm not the reason you're happy."
So yeah, there you have it. I decide my emotional reactions. She may be a huge influence, but at the end of the day, I decide how i'd want to feel. And she's right.
She made me realise the meaning of unconditional love. She made me realise how i never made an effort to enjoy the things my girlfriends (past and present) loved doing. Horses, scuba diving, writing, music...etc.
But she also told me I should always give people a chance to change. And that i should trust them enough to know that they will, in time, be better people.
I have a lot of things to be apologetic for. I've hurt a lot of people along the way...especially the ones that once meant the world to me. My ignorance and egotistical persona has hurt not only myself in the process, but the very people i had sought to protect and care for in the first place.
At the end of that very long and emotional conversation, she told me that she'd always love me and that she'd be there for me whenever i needed her. She said that she never thought she'd ever have this moment with me again, and that she was happy..but "I'm afraid to lose you again." she sighed. "You have no idea how much it hurts"
"We still have issues that need to be sorted. I need to grow up in my own time and way, and you...you need to learn how to trust." she said.
With that, she gave me a weak smile, opened the door and slipped one foot out of the car.
As she was about to leave, she turned around, gave me a kiss and told me to call her when i've found the answers to all my questions.
And that was it.
Neither of us asked the other back. And in some ways, that's what made the whole moment so memorable. We just revelled in the fact that we both loved each other, and that what we had, no matter how fleeting, was special.
We don't even know if we'll ever end up being together again, but for some reason...it didn't matter anymore. When I left her a couple of weeks ago, i thought it was the worst decision i could've made.
But now i realise..that it wasn't.
Losing her made me realise that you didn't have to hate someone...to forget someone. Sometimes, you don't even have to forget.
I thought i had lost my paradise. But she made realise that it's all just relative. The paradise I had yearned for all this while.. was right here...inside of me.
It's up to me now...to find it.
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